Felon’s Alphabet: F is for feelings

I feel, therefore I am. I feel it, therefore it must be true, right? Wrong.

Allow me to share with you something only a few people know: During my first year of incarceration, I had a mental health clinician tell me that “I was responsible for what I was feeling.” All my feelings of anger, sadness, and-a big one for me at the timefear, were all creations of mine. What? So, I was feeling miserable because I chose to? No way. I simply would not accept that as fact. We argued about that for many sessions. Well technically, I argued; she was just trying to help me see reason which I simply could not, or would not, see.

Why? I did not want to accept responsibility for my feelings. To admit that the responsibility was mine would leave me holding the proverbial bag — a bag containing all manner of crappy feelings I couldn’t stomach. I wanted to get rid of them period. But as with anything, there is a process.

“F” is for feelings.

I would be remiss if I didn’t begin with the truism “feelings are fleeting.” It means feelings will come and they will go. It is a well-known fact that a feeling rarely lasts more than 90 seconds, so if you just sit and endure it for that relatively short period of time, it will go away.

Really, it will, but — and there is a big “but” — you have to just sit in the feeling without amping yourself up with your thoughts. For this to work, you must sit in the feeling, and just feel it.

If it’s fear, feel it, embrace it, don’t resist it; remember, in another minute you are about to have another feeling — hopefully, one more to your liking.

If it’s anger, feel that too, embrace it, again don’t resist it; remember what you resist, persists. So, simply sit and feel. Feel that rage, feel that despair, I promise you, you can withstand any feeling for 90 seconds. You are strong and capable and resilient.

If you want to help the process along, you could use a tried-and-true something, called distraction. On any given moment, ask yourself, what delights you? Not what makes you happy, it’s too generic and might not be enough when the feelings of doom are overwhelming.

No, ask yourself instead – what delights you? Then go do it, find it, engage in it, eat it — whatever it is, just do it. If you have a favorite song, play it, sing it at the top of your lungs and — if you are feeling brave enough — dance to it, really get into it. There is something about dipping low, shaking your tail feather, getting jiggy with it, and busting a move, that is bound to get you laughing — maybe even at yourself. Then watch the miracle of distraction help you feel better.

If you take nothing else from this month’s column, it is this: You are not your feelings. In fact, you are definitely more than the sum of your worst feelings on your worst day. You are strong, capable and resilient.

As far as the doctor whose superlative advice I was resisting, I wish she could see the person I’ve become today.