How I became a mother in prison

When I was physically free and thirsty to experience life to its full capacity, becoming a mother was the last thing that came to mind. I saw it as the biggest responsibility a woman can have. I could not imagine carrying a living being inside of me and giving life to that child. I could not imagine being responsible for creating a place of loving and belonging, providing information and playing an instrumental role in shaping a child’s belief system.

A little girl will look at her mother to understand “Who am I in this world?” and a little boy will look at his mother for guidance on “What is a woman?” Of course, when they grow up they may end up doing the opposite behavior. However, it does not lighten the responsibility of being an influencer to that extent. I did not look forward to taking on that responsibility.

Now that I a resident of the largest women’s facility in the world, I am surrounded with women that yearn to be mothers, mostly to their own biological children. However, if that is not possible, their motherly instincts gravitate towards someone who represents their children. It’s a way to fill the void.

Women in general have nurturing natures and that trait definitely shows up within the walls. Over the years, I have watched incarcerated women create family units as a sense of normalcy. They care for each other, cook together, take care of each other when they are sick, grieve together, cry together, celebrate holidays, celebrate birthdays, give each other presents, and support each other through the struggles life has to offer. It makes us feel good. It makes us feel normal.

When we feel good in our minds, bodies, and spirits, it is much easier to feel positive about ourselves and the capacity to achieve our goals in life. That is why it is so important to take good care of ourselves and each other. This means getting enough sleep so you have the mental sharpness to make good decisions and the energy to get stuff done. It also means eating right and getting enough physical activity to keep your body healthy and strong—and doing what we need to do to feel spiritually connected to our chosen family and the world around us.

I see youngsters coming to prison and some remind me of little me. All they need is some guidance, love, and support. I see they are seeking change but do not have a positive influence to support that change and, therefore, seek love and belonging in all the wrong places. I want to model the way and live by example, with the hopes of changing the generational destructive patterns so many of us adopted as part of our core belief system.

It is a new longing for me to be a mother. To give to someone what I know is important, to make others feel supported and protected. The particular brand of mothering I apply is not overly soft, stressing on staying on the right path and being responsible. I show disappointment versus punishment as a tactic. I am always respectful. I provide information and play an instrumental role in helping that child within us change their belief system, so they make positive decisions in the future. I never had guidance as a child, so I give that. I never heard the words I love you, so I say that. Everything I wanted as a child and did not have, I can give to others.

This is a responsibility I actually look forward to taking on.

One of my kids I’d like to mention is Olivia Culbreath. When I met her as a young lifer, I felt a strong instinct to protect, nurture, and help her grow. Her gentleness and kind demeanor woke up my motherly instinct. All I wanted was to put her in my pocket and keep her safe. She deserved a chance and safe place where she could live up to her potential. All the kids are special and authentic in their own way. I am proud to say that Olivia transferred to CIW and has become a respected leader in her community and part of their Inmate Advisory Council executive body.

Today, I can proudly say I am a mother of at least a dozen kids. Some of them have paroled, some of them have transferred, and some of them are still hovering around the nest trying to find their way and fly away.