Pennie’s Rainbow
How do incarcerated individuals reduce their anxiety when they are locked in a room with seven others who are dealing with their own devastations?
Trying to cope with the uncontrollable became a familiar scenario for Pennie Marie Ince, a new arrival to Central California Women’s Facility. Pennie is a small-framed, middle-aged woman with big, curious hazel eyes, dark chestnut hair and bangs hanging heavy over her square Austin Powers-looking glasses. A timid smile accompanies her round penny face. Pennie wears her hair in a low ponytail with a few unruly strands that usually do not make their way into her hair tie.
Pennie arrived at CCWF on December 23, 2023, with a Life Without the Possibility of Parole (LWOP) sentence. Grieving the impact on the community and the loss of her freedom is a very personal journey for her, filled with devastating moments, intense emotions and anxiety. On the day of Pennie’s sentencing, she dropped to her knees with disbelief and heart filled with agonizing pain. She attempted suicide and had a stroke.
“I was devastated,” Pennie said, “and lost hope. This experience took away all my pride.”
Learning to cope with the uncontrollable variables of prison is an added challenge on top of all other the obstacles and devastations an incarcerated individual goes through. When the prison doors are slammed closed, anxiety rises. All the negative “what if” possibilities surface.
These uncontrollable variables include doors being locked and not being able to come in and out of the cell, lockdowns, controlled feeding, waiting at gates for hours sometimes to get to an appointment or work, not knowing if one will ever see their family again, not knowing if one will be retaliated against by being the voice for others, not knowing when one will be able to get hygiene products, not being able to reach family and friends, not knowing how others are going to react due to their own devastations in life, and not knowing if one is going to spend the rest of their life behind bars.
Pennie’s mental health needed support and understanding. She was told that her emotions would give her the information she needed to cope with life; however, she did not know what to do with that information. She reached out to Mental Health (MH).
“Meds [from MH] help me not go totally crazy,” Pennie said. “When I miss a dose of my medication, I feel trapped and uncontrollable anxiety possesses my body.”
She was not getting, however, the understanding and support that she needed.
There are different suggestions out there about how to cope with uncontrollable situations.
One of them, recommended by CCWF’s Dr. Danielle Gonzalez, is boxed breathing (inhale count to four, hold your breath count to four, exhale count to four, hold your breath count to four, and repeat), which helps visual learners picture a box and regulate their breathing.
Another suggestion is to notice how you are handling anxiety and stress and try to think about the things that are within your control. Think about things that will bring you meaning and purpose, small things.
“My roommate Mai keeps me sane,” Pennie stated. “She got me a clothmade stuffed mushroom for my comfort, so I have something to hold when I feel anxious. I named my mushroom Magic. And it looks like the Mario Brothers mushroom, white and green with white spots. He makes me feel like home.”
Another purpose Pennie has found is to lose some weight and get in shape. Last but not least is smiling at people.
“You just don’t know how you might brighten someone’s day with a simple act of kindness,” Pennie added. “It is okay to feel what you are feeling, and it is definitely okay to say that to yourself.”
All of these suggestions are easier said than done, especially when you’re surrounded by people who are too preoccupied with what they can control, including you trying to box breathe to reduce anxiety.
“Shut up with all that counting!” one of Pennie’s roommates once shouted.
That abrupt and piercing sound startled Pennie when she was trying to box-breathe quietly in a corner. She felt the need to bring her body to a crouching position, covering her ears with both hands, wishing to go away.
The biggest thing that calms Pennie’s anxiety is walking the yard. Unfortunately, the recreation yard does not open on a consistent basis. The yard being closed means she is stuck in a 15’ by 15’ room that contains four bunk beds, eight lockers, a bathroom, shower, table, chair, and two sinks. It leaves a very small walking area.
Having eight bodies in the cells increases the level of frustration due to the multiple attitudes displayed at random hours of the day. In order to relieve her anxiety when stuck in the room, she paces back and forth from the door of the cell, around her bunk, to the window and back in the shape of an arc.
Pacing became her only route of relief in a tension-filled environment.
“It was driving them crazy,” Pennie said, “until they saw how it really affected me when I was trying to sit still and cope with my anxiety.”
One of her roommates said, “Hey, we can all be unhappy, or we can be collectively happy by doing something about it and compromise.”
Another roommate chimed in with a solution.
“She is walking the arc, as she is walking on rainbows, all smiling and joyful. I would rather have her smiling and joyful than all stressed out stressing us out. She paces anyway. Why don’t we make it a happy place?”
They collectively decided, according to Pennie, to paint a vibrantly colored rainbow on the cell’s floor, on Pennie’s usual route. It was official: Pennie got her own rainbow.
The rainbow looks like a horseshoe. The brightness of the colors of the rainbow exude joy. The red, the orange, the yellow, the blue, and the purple are rich in texture with glittery sparkles all over. There are two fluffy white clouds at each end of the rainbow to keep it steady. That became not only Pennie’s happy place but everyone else’s happy place as well.
“My pacing used to drive my roommates crazy,” Pennie concluded, “but now it’s part of me being in the room. My roommates became my support system, and that is the best mental health support I can ask for.”
This simple compromise and act of kindness is a perfect example of CCWF residents supporting each other with their struggles. The collective act of creating the rainbow was such a gift in the drab surroundings. Cultivating these kinds of connections is priceless. What if we just notice and are aware of the person next to us, and practice human kindness?
Ground yourself, place your oxygen mask on, check your own bandwidth to see what you have to support others, be the listening ear and empathize so you can be of service. That is the fastest way to experience the ultimate freedom and walk on Pennie’s rainbow.
