One woman’s journey through menopause
It all started with little changes in my body. I thought I was losing my mind. I could not hold on to thoughts. The second I thought I was getting better, something else would happen to me.
The only consolation I had was going in the shower to let the hot water soothe me as I sobbed. What was happening to me? I had no control over my body or mental state. I have gone through hard times before — I’ve served 30 years after all — but this was different. I seriously thought about taking my own life.
This was affecting every aspect of my life. I had exhaustion, brain fog, depression, headaches and an anxiety rollercoaster that went up and down the core of my body that came out of nowhere. And let me not forget the furnace I lived in, with hot flashes and night sweats that felt like I was in my own personal summer, burning from the inside out. I wondered at times if this was human combustion and if all that remained of me would be ashes on my bed.
At some point I made up my mind — I wanted to live but I couldn’t keep living like this. I desperately needed to understand what was going on on a deeper level. I needed help. Meditation and prayer are something that has always facilitated me through hard times. So I turned to that first. But I also knew I would need to look outward, to medical professionals and to my peers.
It was March 2020 and due to COVID-19, it took over a year to see the OB/GYN at Central California Women’s Facility (CCWF) just to confirm I was perimenopausal. I did not get much help through the OB/GYN. He wanted to prescribe birth control pills to assist me with the hot flashes and help balance my hormones. I did not want to take the medication because I had heard it could cause cancer. So I continued to suffer in silence.
When I spoke to the middle-aged women in my building, I came to find out they did not have any more information about menopause than I did. Everyone I knew had served decades in prison and no one understood the changes their body was going through. It always came back to them navigating a major life change and figuring out how best they could manage their symptoms on their own, such as with herbal remedies, food, or vitamins that would soften the symptoms. It was sad to know that there was nowhere else to turn.
I went as far as to read the dictionary to see if it would have some magical word that could possibly assist me in my despair. In the Webster’s Dictionary, the word menopause is defined as “the cessation of menstruation.” Even the dictionary minimizes the definition of what a woman goes through during menopause. However, ask any woman who has experienced this, and you’ll hear menopause is much more than just those few words. For some, it is debilitating. To others, it may be a welcome change. Every experience is different.
In Judith A. Houck’s research on how menopause was treated over the last century, I read “… menopause is more than the loss of fertility, more than the loss of estrogen. Instead, menopause is a social, cultural, and physiologic transition, and anyone attempting to shepherd women through this period must consider all these factors.” Hold up, now I was reading something that spoke to my experience — not some dismissive words. But none of this is considered in the prison environment.
The United States now incarcerates 190,600 women and girls, a population that is growing at twice the rate of incarcerated men. At CCWF as of February 2025 there are 1,996. Yet, we have only one OB/GYN and do not have a contract with an outside OB/ GYN provider, even though there are existing contracts for other medical issues. How is it possible that I am in the world’s largest women’s prison and so limited in information and assistance in a matter that is detrimental to all women’s health? How can this be in the 21st century?
To answer this question, I talked to CCWF’s HealthCare CEO on several occasions about the importance of focusing on women’s health around menopause and starting a support group for women experiencing menopause using my own lived experience and struggle with suicidal ideation. He said he agreed on the need and that for now, he would make informative pamphlets available to the population and will continue to address our needs as best he can.
Two things are clear: One, we need more menopause resources and OB/GYN providers at CCWF. But as I’ve discovered, it’s going to take patience. In the meantime, we as peers need to be the ones talking about menopause, advocating for resources, and being there for one another. After all, it takes a village.
Five years through my change, I am now postmenopausal, I have learned to manage my symptoms. It has not been an easy task since they vary so much and I am limited in what I can have to combat them. At this point, my concern is to bring awareness to the need we have at CCWF for meaningful care around this matter and create a support group for the ones that need assistance in navigating this impactful life change.
I stand in unity with those who struggle as I have. I urge every person going through menopause to advocate for themselves, if not who will? Menopause affects all women, yet it seems like real research is just beginning to try and figure out how to best meet the needs of millions of women. I feel optimism for future generations. Hopefully, they will not have to suffer in silence.
