Felon’s Alphabet: G is for grief

In 2021, during the height of the COVID-19 outbreak, my father passed away. It wasn’t a surprise, he was 96 after all, but it hit me just as hard.

“G” is for Grief.

Grief has no qualifiers; it is simply grief. And grief behind bars is magnified. I was angry and devastated that I couldn’t be out there with the rest of my family.

Interestingly, I utilized coping skills I had learned to combat my complex PTSD. I never knew how multi-faceted a coping skill could be.

For example, reframing in the context of PTSD includes a reimagining of a situation or a restructuring of a feeling in such a way as to make it more positive and palatable. That worked for me while I was grieving.

Grief is not only the result of a loved one’s death — if you think back, nearly every difficult experience in life has involved some version of loss.

No writing or discussion about grief can be complete without a mention of Kubler-Ross’ 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. They don’t happen in any particular order, and for the most part, they are fairly self-explanatory. Ideally, one goes through the stages and works through their grief, eventually arriving at a place where they have healed.

Unfortunately, that does not happen for everybody. For some, the grief process is halted, and they are not able to process their way through the stages, remaining stuck, more often than not, in anger. And it makes sense, because anger is a powerful, strong emotion. It is so much easier to feel anger than it is to feel sadness, despair, and hopelessness.

Grief renders us susceptible. Where our psychic armor was once intact, it is now vulnerable. Whatever your demons are, grief leaves you exposed to them. During times of grief, it is vital that you shore up your reserves, pay close attention to your emotional barometer, and be vigilant. It is during these times of loss, when a loved one dies or a lover leaves, that addicts relapse.

The impulse to tear our lives to shreds because we are grieving is normal. The desire to lash out and make the poor souls around you pay for your pain is tempting and can feel temporarily satisfying. But that satisfaction is fleeting, and unprocessed grief can feel like forever.

Remember, grief is not a linear process. It’s more like a meandering country road, at times curvy and taking you for a complete loop, at times straightforward with a clear horizon in sight. Unresolved grief will permeate every arena of not just your psyche, but also your interpersonal relationships, and the way you navigate the world.

Unresolved grief will cloud the lens you see life through with a tainted veneer. No joy, no peace, and a low-grade simmering anger will turn you into someone no one wants to be around.

Grief, like most powerful emotions, requires processing. And, there is no one-size-fits-all remedy. Here in CCWF, support exists in the form of mental health clinicians, the chaplain, and support from peers who work in comfort care. It can even come from the Puppy Program.

Be mindful of the stages of grief and be prepared to fully experience them as they show up in turn.