Felon’s Alphabet: L is for listening

How many times have you wanted someone, anyone, to just listen, only to be met with interruptions and disinterested body language, looking around, and fidgeting? 

And yet, ask around, and most people will tell you that they believe themselves to be good listeners. 

“L” is for Listening (with empathy).

Webster’s Dictionary defines listening as “to make a conscious effort to hear.”

When we are asked to listen or required to listen, the objective is simply to listen. It shouldn’t be that hard, right? But it is. Why is it so hard to listen? 

Mainly, it is because we are trying to formulate a response to what the speaker is saying instead of really taking in their intended message. We even project our own baggage onto the moment and hijack the speakers’ emotions instead of listening, saying, “Oh, I know how you feel,” or “I’ve had this happen, let me tell you.”

So, what if we listened not just to respond, but to understand, appreciate, and really “feel” what the speaker is saying? What if we listened with empathy?

Empathetic listening is more than attentive or reflexive listening. It involves moving into another person’s frame of reference so you see how they see the world and understand how they truly feel.

Empathetic listening involves much more than registering, reflecting, or even understanding the wants that are said. With empathetic listening, you listen with your ears but also listen with your heart. You listen for feeling, for meaning; you listen for far more than just content.

Can you imagine the impact of “listening” in that way? Can you see how so many misunderstandings may not even take place? 

Listen not just to what is being said. Listen for emotional nuance and subtext. Maintain eye contact to indicate interest, validate the speaker’s emotions, and ask clarifying questions to gain further understanding of the speaker’s meaning. 

 If listening were easy, then we would all be good at it. There wouldn’t be scores of books on the topic. Listening is not easy to do, but, as with most things, it can be learned. 

Since the foundation of interpersonal connectedness relies on communication, there can be no effective communication without listening. Empathetic listening happens when we shift from wanting to be understood to wanting to understand. 

This is beneficial because it gives you the most accurate data to work with. It is deeply therapeutic and healing.

When we listen not just to understand but to empathize with the speaker, we listen not just with our ears but with our hearts.