Selfish to selfless
When I began my life without parole sentence more than 20 years ago, I was lucky enough to learn some important lessons. One vital seed of knowledge I’d like to pass on to those coming into prison is: be selfish!
During incarceration, you shed the demands and roles that you have lived with your entire life.
No outside pressures dictate how you spend your time. Everything you do or say is entirely up to you. You do not need to be nice to the neighbors or coworkers, pretend to suck up to your dreaded boss, or be forced to spend an afternoon babysitting someone else’s children.
In other words, you can be selfish.
What you do with yourself is your choice. And the result of your actions will have consequences, some good and some bad.
Sure, you can sleep in and not go to work or school, and the consequences are ones that only you will suffer, whether receiving a rules violation report (RVR) or not being able to complete a program and earn time off your sentence. You can decide you want to stay to yourself, but when you need some advice or comfort, you will probably find yourself alone.
Being selfish also entitles you to put yourself first by making decisions that benefit you. You can watch the television show you like the best and read books that you like to read. You can prioritize your overall self-care.
Being away from the old you and stepping into the new you is the most liberating, empowering, and scariest thing you will have to face.
During my first year of incarceration, someone asked me what my favorite food was and I was at a loss. Up until that point, I had not considered what I liked, since I had a family to look after starting at a young age. I simply ate what my husband and kids enjoyed. What I found out through some reflection was: I love spaghetti and cheesy garlic bread.
This began my journey of self-discovery. Discovering my likes and dislikes helped me build my self-esteem by allowing me to acknowledge that I mattered too. I took codependency classes and self-esteem workshops that also bolstered my value.
What will your reflection show about you when you look into the mirror? Will you like the woman staring back at you? Who will you be when you are not worried about the food that everyone likes to eat and instead make something only you enjoy?
Two women I’ve known for ages—Naomi Heater and Julie Hinojosa–are great role models for how focusing on yourself can lead to meaningful transformation.
Heater is the chairperson of Helping Others With Life Skills, an Inmate Leisure Time Activity Group, as well as a core facilitator of Living Outside Violence Everyday, and has been incarcerated for more than 25 years.
“I was surrounded my whole life by people that only worried about themselves,” Heater said. She began her incarceration receiving multiple RVRs until she began taking self-help classes and found her determination in servicing the community. “I think about others and I have found a lot of purpose and meaning in living a life of service to others,” said Heater.
Resident Julie Hinojosa has been incarcerated for over 20 years. Hinojosa is an active member of the Institution Advisory Council, and she is often called upon to mediate situations between staff and other residents.
Hinojosa recalled how she was unable to ask for assistance when she arrived to prison, so she had to rely on herself to figure things out. Based on her experiences early on in her incarceration, she now tries to help others.
“Today, I have become a person that helps people so that they do not feel alone. I help anyone that needs it and will go above and beyond for my community,” Hinojosa said.
If you decide to become selfless instead of selfish, you may find purpose in helping others. By participating in random acts of kindness towards others, you may find a sense of meaning.
